Being the Parent I'm Meant to Be

Oliver Bennett Chan was born on May 6th, 2013. He was a very healthy 8.5 lbs. He was born via cesarean. It was a traumatic experience for me this time around. My first born was also a cesarean, but things went very smoothly. I won't delve into details here. That's for another time.

One thing I've always struggled with is being the 'good' parent. When I was pregnant with my first, Lukas, I told myself I was going to be the parent who read to him every night, focused on educational learning, would never yell, etc. etc. 

I was infuriated when I learned I wasn't anything remotely like I imagined myself as being. For a while after my first son was born I hated myself and resented him. It took me a long time to accept that I wasn't going to be the parent I had made up in my mind. So, I accepted things for the way they were. I decided instead to focus on praying for patience to deal with a needy baby.

When Oliver was born I was a little more relaxed and a lot less angry. He's not as demanding a child as his older brother, which is good, because Lukas turned from a demanding baby into a demanding toddler. This isn't to say we don't have our bad days, because we do - lots of them. I find myself falling back into that old resentful attitude about not being the perfect parents. This is especially hard to avoid when there are so many blogs/twitters/instagrams owned by lovely women who appear to have sunshine shoot out of their asses and their children are perfect. 

I don't remember where I read it, but I came across an article that a father had written about his experience as a dad. The most poignant piece of the article came at the end when he said he had given up on praying for patience and calm. His point was that he was wasting to much time praying to be the parent he wanted to be. So, instead, he began praying, not for patience, but to be the parent he was meant to be. Little bells and lightbulbs went off in my head.

I finally got it. 

I needed to make peace with myself. I stopped getting mad at myself for not reacting to my children the way I had always envisioned. I stopped stressing over whether my child was potty trained, singing his ABCs, or speaking perfect english. I stopped obsessing over what other parents were doing and how seemingly successful they were. Instead, I focused on my own happiness and finding an inner calm with my own parenting approaches. I acknowledged that nothing was going to be perfect and that every day was going to bring new challenges. 

The result? A happier me. A happier pair of boys.

So here's my confession list:

• I let my kids stay up late. They don't go to bed until after 10 most nights.
• While breastfeeding Oliver has been a breeze, with Lukas it was a nightmare. I had difficulties for 3 months before we finally got in sync with one another. 
• Lukas likes to watch Caillou despite how much I hate that show. While this lessens his cool factor, I would like to point out that he does watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
• Oliver starts out the night in his own bed but usually ends up in mine. 
• I don't put my kids on a schedule. I breastfeed on demand and Lukas' mealtimes are often random.
• Both of my children sleep in my room with me. Yes, my husband is okay with this.
• Both of my sons have slept on their bellies at least part of the time.
• Lukas has a hitting issue (with himself and others) and teaching him to communicate with words instead of hands has been a challenge. 
• While breastfeeding my diet has not been all healthy foods from organic sources. I've had fast food. I've had a beer on occasion. 
• Lukas watches a lot of tv. However, he also spends a lot of time outside playing with friends.
• I have run through the discipline spectrum. I have spanked. I have used harsh words. I have used time outs. I have had to separate myself from my kids in order to spare their lives.

If there was anything I could say to myself 3 years ago, while I was waiting for the birth of my first son, it would be to relax; let go of the expectations the moment that little guy is put into your arms for the first time. Yet, I'm not going to regret things I feel I should have done. Instead, I'm going to focus on the  now and being the parent I'm meant to be. If I get an opportunity to read my son a book at night before he goes to bed at 10:30 pm, then great. If I don't, then I'll rain check it and try again another time.